So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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