All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
