I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
