a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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