Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
