the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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