apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
