Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
