Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?