Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.