got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...