Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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