Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
