the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
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Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
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I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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