I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
as a side note pls kill me
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
