Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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