Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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