Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
