she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
