I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
