I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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