Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
