You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
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if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
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I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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