did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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