someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We need to rekindle our bromance
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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