You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
