i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
