my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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