I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
