Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
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We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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