Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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