I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
