I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
