As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
