Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
