My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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