whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
This toilet bowl is my home.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
