One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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