I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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