ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
