Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
