New low: just hacked my moms facebook
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.