And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle