Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me