I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.