just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
