dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
