my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
