I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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