Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
