Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
