just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You left your underwear on the fireplace
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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