I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
