we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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