i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
