So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
