TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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