I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
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I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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