great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
