Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
