There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
